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CLARITY IS PRECIOUS

By Karon Grieve 6 Comments

MumDadSpain

I've had some lovely emails from readers asking how things are going with Mum. Well she had her two weeks of respite care and is now back at the flat she shares with Colin.When  I went to see her last week she made no mention of the Beatles but instead couldn't remember when I had last visited and couldn't recall my dailing calls. There was anger at me for not calling, for not visiting, for the staff for just about everything. My Mum has always been afraid of anger, of raised voices, always the one to calm my Dad down, to smooth ruffled feathers, to calm the waters. Now it is as if all the years of avoiding anger have been compounded , as if a ball of anger has been built up inside and is now spilling out, oozing into everyday life where once calmness reigned.  I am not proud of the fact that I found an excuse to leave early. How do some people have the strength to cope with this sort of thing? How do they have the patience and the love to overcome the enormous obstacles that life has thrown down between them and their loved one? I wish I knew. What did I do, well I was all mature and kissed my Mum, thanked the staff for their kindnesses and then ran like hell.

MumAndKids

These are photos from other times, maybe Mum recalls those times and not the present. Maybe she is reliving past times and has no room in her head for the mundanity of now. I hope there is happiness somewhere and not just the sadness that shows in her eyes. She is frightened in her own home. Sight failing, limbs frail, it is no wonder she has anger at the world for letting her come to this helpless state. It makes me feel so stupid and guilty for my tantrums at ridiculously silly things, when she has such a tenuous grip on anything now, when her world is slipping away.

But yesterday when I phoned there was clarity. She said 'how are you' and 'thanks for phoning, that's really kind of you'. My God, it was Mum again, for just a few moments it was my Mum on the phone. You have no idea what that meant.

MumJan09

These are photos of Mum, the top one was taken on holiday about 10 years ago when my Dad was still alive. just look at their happiness, how she looks after her old man. Middle pic was taken in London a great many years ago outside Madame Tousades wax works museum. The monkey I am holding bit me on the face right after the camera clicked. To this day I hate monkeys! The last pic was taken this January before Mum's world collapsed.So there you go, my update on Mum. Now you know why I don't mention her much on the blog, it is too sad for you guys to read and my keyboard gets too wet with tears writing this.

Karon x

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Filed Under: CHAT Tagged With: clarity, love, mum

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Comments

  1. Sue says

    October 10, 2009 at 9:53 am

    My thoughts are with you. My Mom had a stroke and left me 15 years ago. I don’t know what is worse or harder. Don’t feel guilty, just keep loving her.

    Reply
  2. Sue says

    October 10, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Bitter sweet post, but nice to be updated on how you (and your Mum and brother) are coping.
    It’s a sad, sad time for all of you, but those moments of clarity are to be cherished and filed on top of the sad/bad moments.
    Stay close to your brother and support each other, you are the only two that really know what each other is going through.
    Hope posting about it helps to clear your head slightly (and those salty tears will be good for washing the keyboard at least…lol).
    Thinking of you. Take care and have a peaceful weekend.
    Sue xx

    Reply
  3. Lesley says

    October 10, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    ((((Karon)))). It’s not easy, but you do adjust to it. I won’t say you get used to it, because it’s such a horrible, unnatural way to go. Don’t feel guilty about “running like hell”. I saw Mum last week, I should be going again tomorrow – but I just can’t face it. Cowardly? Probably – but Mum, as I knew her, isn’t there anymore. Like you and your Mum, I just hope and pray she’s happy where she is.

    Reply
  4. sarah says

    October 10, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    Bless you Karon, big hugs, thinking of you and your family even if you don’t write about things. Don’t worry about feeling guilty, it is perfectly natural to do so, the truth is, you have nothing to feel guilty about but none the less the feeling still creeps in.
    I’m not so wise with words but just wanted to let you know your in my thoughts x

    Reply
  5. Ellen says

    October 10, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    All you can do at this point is keep loving your mother. It’s horrible watching someone you love turn into another person you do not recognize but somewhere, deep inside, your mother is there. Be strong and be faithful and know that others care.

    Reply
  6. Patti Smith says

    October 11, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    It is such a difficult thing to watch your parents decline. I saw it with my Mother-in-law. She was a nurse for 40 years and before she retired, was supervisor over the ER at our hospital here in town. She developed Alzheimer’s about 15 years after retiring. It was so difficult to watch this very smart, bright woman at the end where she did not know anyone and had to be in a nursing home. It was hard watching my husband watch his Mom slip away. We lost her 7 years ago and it is still difficult to remember. Like all the posts above Karon, just love your Mom while she is here and know she is doing the best that she can. My thoughts and good wishes are with you and your family. Take care.
    Patti xx

    Reply

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