I've had some lovely emails from readers asking how things are going with Mum. Well she had her two weeks of respite care and is now back at the flat she shares with Colin.When I went to see her last week she made no mention of the Beatles but instead couldn't remember when I had last visited and couldn't recall my dailing calls. There was anger at me for not calling, for not visiting, for the staff for just about everything. My Mum has always been afraid of anger, of raised voices, always the one to calm my Dad down, to smooth ruffled feathers, to calm the waters. Now it is as if all the years of avoiding anger have been compounded , as if a ball of anger has been built up inside and is now spilling out, oozing into everyday life where once calmness reigned. I am not proud of the fact that I found an excuse to leave early. How do some people have the strength to cope with this sort of thing? How do they have the patience and the love to overcome the enormous obstacles that life has thrown down between them and their loved one? I wish I knew. What did I do, well I was all mature and kissed my Mum, thanked the staff for their kindnesses and then ran like hell.
These are photos from other times, maybe Mum recalls those times and not the present. Maybe she is reliving past times and has no room in her head for the mundanity of now. I hope there is happiness somewhere and not just the sadness that shows in her eyes. She is frightened in her own home. Sight failing, limbs frail, it is no wonder she has anger at the world for letting her come to this helpless state. It makes me feel so stupid and guilty for my tantrums at ridiculously silly things, when she has such a tenuous grip on anything now, when her world is slipping away.
But yesterday when I phoned there was clarity. She said 'how are you' and 'thanks for phoning, that's really kind of you'. My God, it was Mum again, for just a few moments it was my Mum on the phone. You have no idea what that meant.
These are photos of Mum, the top one was taken on holiday about 10 years ago when my Dad was still alive. just look at their happiness, how she looks after her old man. Middle pic was taken in London a great many years ago outside Madame Tousades wax works museum. The monkey I am holding bit me on the face right after the camera clicked. To this day I hate monkeys! The last pic was taken this January before Mum's world collapsed.So there you go, my update on Mum. Now you know why I don't mention her much on the blog, it is too sad for you guys to read and my keyboard gets too wet with tears writing this.