The winner of the So Easy Christmas giveaway is Despina from Greece. I hope you’ll enjoy the book and have a lovely Christmas. Thanks so much for all your entries and lovely Christmas thoughts and words. I’ll be doing another giveaway for the new So Easy Herbal DVD very soon.
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So this is my first day back on the blog. It doesn’t feel right somehow, I don’t know what to say and I don’t want to bring you guys down with my sad thoughts and images at this time.
Yesterday was the first time I got out and about and faced other people. Oh there have been people coming here, lovely friends bringing flowers, hugs and love, but yesterday I had to get out there and see the real world. I had a talk and book signing lined up in Kilmarnock. Should I let them down? Should I crap out of it and just not go? No, I couldn’t do thet, I’ve never done that.
I have to tell you it wasn’t easy to get out there and know I’d have to be Up and On Form. When I looked in the mirror the road kill like image that awaited me hardly inspired enthusiasm. Oh God it would take the power of Mac/Bobbi Brown/Max Factor/L’Oriel/Clinique/YSL/Chanel and every other make up miestro to cover up the ravages of all those tears. I settled for an almost trowel like approach, slap it on and hope for the best.
It was unfortunate that the talk was in Kilmarnock, my last two visits there have not been happy – the vet is there. I drove the same road as I had before, I saw the same sights. My hands gripped that wheel till they were white and rigid. I shall not cry, I shall not arrive with red eyes. I can do this.
Arrive in town with half an hour to spare so decide on a lurk round the supermarket and a much needed coffee. It’s as I’m hunting out light bulbs and trying despirately to understand the intricacies of the low energy wattage system (dim and dimmer) that two ladies hail me like an old friend. “Great to see you” they cry, I’m confused, I don’t know them and I look around a bit looking for someone interesting behind me. “You’re the herb lady off the TV”, aha they do know me. Then followed ten lovely minutes of chat about how much they had loved The Hour, how they missed the show etc. It was lovely because these were the first people I had talked to apart from my close friends since the dreadful mess of Sunday. They broke the ice, contact with the outside world and it was okay.
I went on to do the talk and set up my table with herbs, making stuff, books and DVDs. The room filled. I sat and waited, I hoped I could keep smiling and do a good talk, hoped I would light up and be on form, I hoped to God I would keep it together and not break down. As I was being introduced I felt the urge to reach down, I looked at my hand and for a split second I saw my beautiful white Hank at my feet. My hand patted his head and I knew I’d be okay. I stood up and smiled and talked.
Thank you to everyone who has posted comments, sent private emails and to friends who have phoned and come round. This isn’t a good time, in fact it is pretty hellish in my scheme of things as Hank meant an awful lot in my little corner of the world. Losing Baby was expected, we were saying our goodbyes almost every day knowing that the last one would come soon. But losing Hank like that was so brutal, so unexpected. I see him everywhere; he is on the basket beneith my desk, on my chair in the kitchen, at the window, by the fire, in his basket and forever in my heart.
Your kind thoughts for Idgy have been much appreciated. She is holding on, we both are. Evenings by the fire watching anything silly on DVD, things to make us laugh. Adventures to take us away from here. Berti cat wonders why all this attention is falling on him. No fighting for food, no sharing the warmth of the fire. Suddenly he is king of all he surveys. Well not quite. Harry has decided to play a bigger game and make his presence felt, and I now find myself with a ferret curled up on my lap instead of Hank. He looks up at me with knowing black button eyes and almost smiles.
Life goes on…..