I’ve not been blogging because I hate this bad news stuff, yet at the same time I don’t feel it is right to get jolly, do favourite things and giveaways etc, believe me I don’t want to burden readers with this mess.
It is wrong, a crime against humanity to wish someone dead. I’m guilty of this crime and am beating myself up endlessly about it. I don’t want to do this of course, it just happens. We are brought up to respect life, to cling on to it to give it all we’ve got. But dear God when it is gone in all but the breathing and most piteous of communications, why do we have it?
I don’t think I ever really understood the term ‘death is a mercy’ until now. Right now for my Mum I would host a party for it. I can see now where wakes can be celebrations, not just of a life well lived, but of a release from pain and suffering at the end.
“We are keeping her comfortable” is the daily news. To be honest I’m tired, I’m knackered mentally and physically from the backwards and forwards, the listening for the phone, the heartbreaking rush of “She’ll only last the weekend”, then the “she is rallying a little”, again “things are going down”. We all know there is no hope, but the wait seems endless.
I feel like the lowest most hateful creature, a veritable Golem if you will. On one hand the dutiful daughter rushing to and fro across the country, hand holding, smiling and whispering words I have long lost track of, yet on the other I am longing for the end. I have never been good with stress, I am not liking me at all right now.