I wasn't going to blog today. I've been feeling as if I shouldn't inflict myself on you out there in Blogland. Things are not good in my little corner of the world.
Oh there is no starvation, earth quakes or raging storms (there are plenty of those elsewhere) round these parts. In fact if you wandered around you would just see the pretty snowy landscape with 5 foot snow drifts at the sides of the lanes and even a dash of sunshine. Believe me, I know I am lucky to live here.
Our own little corner of the world isn't really the one out there where people walk and talk and work and play. Our little world space is inside. An earth quake of devastating proportions and tidal wave of grief can be washing over a person as they stand quite calmly in the bus queue.
What is nothing to those 'outside' and a mere blip on the landscape of life, can be everything to that person in the queue.
We play a waiting game with Colin now. Waiting for more tests, waiting for action. I went to see him at the weekend. We held hands and cried, what else was there to do. Hide fears, rein in, keep the ball rolling and be 'normal'.
'Normal' seems far away just now. A visit to my Mother and her world of wrong things. Small things take over her life and nothing is right. Smile, nod, agree, talk, talk, talk………
I must be strong, I must be here. I had great escape plans for this year. I have dreamed for a long time of moving to France. This was to be the year, the big five o year, the get out there and change your life year. The 'I can' year.
It is hateful to be thinking of my own petty plans when Colin has too much to deal with and is so obviously in pain. I must be strong and hold things together, but oh God how I would love to run away.
Dreams shattered in so many ways, large, small, inside, outside. I'm standing in the queue, there is a tsunami in my head.
I wasn't going to blog today…….