It's always with a certain trepidation that I visit Mum. The memories of the past year of pain and heartache are not easy to dismiss.
Put those images aside and move on. Oh it is not so easy to do. Your heart is still filled with an ache that pulls in all the years of the past tangled together like knitting yarn, tangled, knotted, twisted and used. Where is the start, where is the end?
There were months last year that were an agony of doubt.
There were so many moments when love filled every part and atom of me, when all I wanted to do most in the whole world was LOVE, love my Mum with all my heart. Pour life into her, take the sadness and confusion away. Bring her back to me.
These were the dark days. The days of visits when I was barely recognised, no, that's not true. I was always recognised, I was just not wanted. I was decried and dismissed.
I mourned my Mum as I had lost her already. Lost my mum and friend to a disease of old age. Lost her to a wilderness I could not reach or fathom. The worst thing was that it was me who was lost. For my mum had not lost my brother he was still there to her, for some reason it was me who had failed to stay within the confines of her mind. I had fallen by the wayside and she didn't want to know me any more.
I bless Christmas when I went to see her with Colin and she was Mum again. She remembered me, she was fine. The past two visits have seen her in a better place in her mind. She knows me, she talks, I am no longer dismissed as something unwanted and unloved. This means the world to me. This is a treasure beyond price.
It is always with some trepidation that I visit Mum….
Will she be the same as last time, will she have fallen back into the wilderness?
Yesterday I visited my Mum and she smiled a smile that lit the room. She said "Oh Karon, I'm thrilled to see you". She talked excitedly about seeing me on television. I mean how unreal is that? Unreal in that who'd have thunk I would ever be on tv in the first place and who would ever have imagined at any time last year that my Mum would have watched me on the box, remembered me and had pride and joy in her heart about me.
She wants news of Idgy, the pets and home. Talk of friends, talk of life. When I kiss her cheek to say goodbye there are tears. She is sad to see me go, she is crying. I cry too and we hug each other tight, I don't want to let her go.
We smile as I leave the sun filled room.
I close the door , I talk to the staff and I head out to the car.
Then in the quietness of the car, in that private little world, reality hits; My mum was sad to see my leave. My mum had watched me on tv. My mum was proud of me. I was a wee girl again in Musselburgh, my mum wanted me, I was home.
There are only two words for this "Thank You".